You are the one who manages the appointments, tracks the medication, fields the calls from school, sits with the diagnosis, absorbs the fear, and keeps things running. You are probably very good at it. And you are probably exhausted in a way that is hard to explain to people who have not lived it.
This post is for carers. Not for the person you care for, but for you.
Caring takes many forms. You might be the parent of a child with additional needs, navigating a system that requires you to fight for everything while keeping your child’s world as stable as possible. You might be an adult child watching a parent disappear into dementia, managing their care while grieving someone who is still alive. You might be a sibling whose brother or sister has a serious illness, holding the family together while quietly carrying your own fear and loss. You might have been a carer for so long that you have forgotten what your life looked like before.
Whatever your situation, one thing tends to be true. There is very little space for you.
What caring does to you
Caring is an act of love. It is also relentless. And the emotional weight of it is rarely acknowledged in proportion to what it actually costs. You may find yourself moving through your days in a kind of permanent readiness, always braced for the next crisis, never quite able to rest. You may feel guilty when you do take time for yourself, and resentful when you do not. You may have put your own ambitions, friendships, and needs on hold so gradually that you can no longer remember exactly when that happened. You may feel that your feelings, your frustration, your grief, your anger, have no legitimate place because the person you care for has it so much harder.
Caring can quietly take over a life in ways that are hard to see while you are in the middle of it. Education paused, a career stalled or abandoned, promotions that passed you by because you simply did not have the capacity. Relationships with a partner or close friends that have thinned out through neglect, not lack of love, but lack of time and energy. If you are a parent caring for a child with additional needs, you may also carry guilt about the time and attention your other children have not had. The life you imagined, or were building, can feel hijacked. And unlike many difficult periods, there is often no clear end point. No date to work toward. Just an open question about how long this will last and what will be left of you when it does.
What carers often describe includes:
- A bone-deep tiredness that sleep does not fully fix
- Grief, sometimes for a person still living, sometimes for the life you had before
- Isolation, because caring can narrow your world significantly
- A loss of identity outside the caring role
- Missed opportunities in work, education, and relationships that quietly accumulated
- Guilt that runs in both directions, for not doing enough and for wanting more for yourself
- Anger that feels shameful to admit
None of this makes you a bad carer. It makes you a human being carrying something very heavy, often without adequate support.
When the caring role ends
There is something that does not get talked about enough. What happens when caring comes to an end? Perhaps the person you cared for has recovered, moved into residential care, or no longer needs you in the same way. The urgency lifts. And instead of relief, or alongside it, you find yourself at a loss. The structure that organised your days is gone. The relationships and routines you set aside are not simply waiting where you left them. You look around at your life and are not quite sure where to start, or who you are now outside of the role that consumed you.
This is a disorienting and often lonely place to be, and it deserves as much attention as the caring period itself. Therapy can help you make sense of what you have been through, grieve what was lost along the way, and begin to rebuild a life that feels like yours again.
A space that is only yours
Most of the support available to carers is practical. Respite care, benefits advice, carer assessments. These matter. But they do not address what happens inside you. The accumulated grief, the complicated feelings, the slow erosion of your sense of self.
Private psychotherapy offers something different. A regular, protected space that belongs entirely to you. Not to the person you care for, not to the system around them, not to anyone else’s needs. Just yours. In my work with carers, I find that what people most need at first is simply to be able to speak without editing. Without reassuring anyone, without focusing on practical solutions, without managing how their feelings land on someone else. The therapeutic relationship offers that. You can bring the anger, the ambivalence, the exhaustion, the love, all of it, without having to make it more acceptable than it actually is.
From there, the work tends to move into several areas. Understanding what caring has cost you, and what you have put aside in order to do it. Reconnecting with your own needs, identity, and sense of self outside the caring role. Working through grief, including the particular grief of watching someone you love change or decline. Thinking about the relationships and parts of your life that have been neglected, and how to begin tending to them again. And finding ways to sustain yourself that do not depend on everything around you being resolved first.
Therapeutic writing groups for carers in Bromley
Alongside individual therapy, I run periodic therapeutic writing groups specifically for carers, based in Bromley. These are small, confidential groups that use guided writing as a way into reflection and connection. You do not need to be a writer, or to have any experience of writing for wellbeing. The groups offer a gentler point of entry for people who find it easier to write toward something difficult before speaking it aloud, and the experience of being with others who understand the particular texture of a caring life.
If you would like to be notified when the next group runs, you are welcome to get in touch via the contact page.
Working online, wherever you are.
Many carers find it difficult to commit to face-to-face appointments. Travel time, caring responsibilities, and unpredictable days make consistency hard. I offer psychotherapy online throughout the UK, which means you can access support from home, during a window in your day, without the additional pressure of getting somewhere.
For those in or near Bromley, I also offer face-to-face sessions at my practice in Shaftesbury House.
You do not have to wait until you are at breaking point
Carers are often very good at deferring their own needs. There is always something more urgent. Something that can wait. But waiting until you are in crisis is not a requirement for therapy, and it is not a sign of weakness to seek support while you are still managing. In fact, the earlier you find a space for yourself, the more it can sustain you through what caring asks of you.
If any of this resonates, I would be glad to hear from you. Contact me to arrange an initial consultation, either in Bromley or online.
About Samantha Merry
Samantha Merry is a BACP Senior Accredited psychotherapist and clinical supervisor in
private practice in Bromley, South East London. She works with adults navigating trauma,
loss, relational difficulties, and the emotional demands of caring roles, using a relational
psychodynamic approach. She runs periodic therapeutic writing groups for carers in Bromley.
She is currently undertaking doctoral research in psychological trauma and psychotherapy at
the University of Chester. She offers face-to-face therapy in Bromley and online
psychotherapy throughout the UK. Find out more at samanthamerry.co.uk.
Resources and Support
General carer support
Carers UK. National charity offering advice, information, and connection for unpaid carers. www.carersuk.org
Carers Trust. Support, services, and advocacy for carers across the UK. www.carers.org
Counselling Carers. Specialist counselling service for carers, with a network of trained therapists. www.counsellingcarers.org
NHS Carers Direct. Practical information and support for carers from the NHS. www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/support-and-benefits-for-carers
Local support in South East London
Carers Trust HOFE. Carer counselling and support service covering Havering, Outer East London, and surrounding areas. www.carerstrusthofe.org.uk
Carers Wandsworth. Counselling and wellbeing support for carers in Wandsworth. www.carerswandsworth.org.uk
Illness-specific support
Alzheimer’s Society. Support and information for those affected by dementia. www.alzheimers.org.uk
Muscular Dystrophy UK. Support for those living with and caring for someone with neuromuscular conditions. www.musculardystrophyuk.org
Macmillan Cancer Support. Practical, emotional, and financial support for those affected by cancer, including carers. www.macmillan.org.uk
Contact. Support and information for families of disabled children and children with additional needs. www.contact.org.uk
Together for Short Lives. Support for families caring for children with life-limiting conditions. www.togetherforshortlives.org.uk
Motor Neurone Disease Association. Support for people living with and caring for someone with MND. www.mndassociation.org
Parkinson’s UK. Information and support for those living with and caring for someone with
Parkinson’s. www.parkinsons.org.uk
Finding local support through your GP
Many larger GP surgeries have a social prescriber or link worker who can connect you with local carer support, including groups, respite options, and community resources. It is worth asking your surgery whether this service is available to you.