You know, one of the things I’ve come to deeply respect in therapy is the brilliance of the mind, not just for solving puzzles or remembering where we parked the car, but for stepping in like a loyal bodyguard when emotions start to feel overwhelming. And that’s intellectualising, it’s the brain’s way of saying, “Don’t worry, feelings, I’ve got this one,” and then swiftly ushering them offstage so it can take the microphone.
And honestly? That’s clever. It’s resourceful. It’s a sign that somewhere along the line, you learned that staying in your head was safer than dropping into the mess and unpredictability of emotion. So when I notice intellectualising, I don’t go, “Aha! Caught you deflecting!”, I go, “Ah, I see what you’re doing there. It tells me that at some point, maybe long ago, thinking was safer than feeling. Maybe the people around you didn’t respond well when you were sad, or scared, or angry. Maybe emotions were too big, too dangerous, too unwelcome, or just unpredictable. So, your mind built a ladder out, quick, efficient, and reliable. And you climbed.
That thinking part steps right in when the feeling parts are left alone or become overwhelmed. It’s a brilliant adaptation, and one that might have kept your inner world from collapsing when no one else was there to help you hold it together. So, when I see that happening in therapy, my job isn’t to knock the ladder down, it’s to notice it with you. To say, “I see how hard your mind is working to keep you safe.” Not to pathologise the defence, but to honour the intelligence behind it. We always start from that place of respect and curiosity.
Your Defence is Not the Problem — It’s the Clue
Therapy isn’t about ripping away what’s protected you until now, that would just reinforce the idea that it’s not safe to feel your emotions. Instead, I might say something like: “What might be under that? What would be too much right now if you didn’t think your way through it?” Sometimes I’ll ask those slightly annoying but gently nudging questions, like: “If you didn’t have to protect yourself right now, what do you imagine you might feel?” Or, “What’s the risk of feeling something, rather than thinking about it?” And if your answer is to intellectualise, that’s totally fine. We can get curious about that together, and that means the door is cracked open, not flung wide, but just enough for a little light to come through.
We don’t need to shame or ‘fix’ the strategy. We just want to understand it. Because maybe, over time, your mind won’t feel the need to jump in quite so fast. Maybe the rest of you gets to join the party too, slowly, safely, and in your own time. So, until then, well done. You’re managing with what you have. And if you currently need a full-body suit of intellectual armour, we’ll just shine it together and see if we can
loosen a clasp or two, but only when you are ready.
